If We Could Redo
by Eleanor429
Summary: female kawoshin highschool AU that takes place after 3.0. multichapter, continuous, smut later on
1. Chapter 1

Note(s): This is a high school AU – there are no evas.

READ THE NOTES

This is a fem!kawoshin fic, meaning Kaworu and Shinji are girls. Because I feel too weird having them calling each other anything else, and for other artistic purposes, Kaworu and Shinji will call each other Kaworu-kun and Shinji-kun, respectively.

This fic takes place after Q verse. I think that after so many time loops, 3.0 was the one that really fucked Kaworu up, that really hit him hard. So in this fic Kaworu is like Qworu but more broken, desperate, needy, and kind of traumatized from how the last loop ended. He often has nightmares about his failed loops. I understand that Kaworu is a composed, gentle character but I want to explore what is underneath his/her skin. I also want to show what Shinji offers in their relationship, because I don't feel that this is discussed enough. Kaworu lives by herself and is electronically given money every month by wealthy relatives. She has Kaworu bangs and long, wavy, silver hair that ends just above her butt.

Shinji lives with Gendo who dove into his work after Yui died. Gendo avoids Shinji because she looks just like Yui and it freaks him out. Shinji is Shinji (anime/rebuild verse-esque); depressed, lonely, fragile, compassionate. She can't remember her past lives but boy Kaworu often appears in her dreams. Her hair is pretty similar to boy Shinji, but perhaps a little bit more grown out so it's more feminine. Shinji doesn't do much to her appearance because she doesn't think she's beautiful and she never had any feminine person in her life to teach her how to do these things.

I've never done a multichapter fic, but this one is gonna be pretty long. I really want to explore Shinji and Kaworu's relationship, characters, and interactions. Additionally, as their relationship progresses, there will be smut. woohoo

Also for anyone who gives a shit: Kaworu doesn't give a frick about gender so shut it, it doesn't bother her at all that they are now girls.

Everything was dark and there was a specific, iron-like stench coating the place. The air felt sticky, and it took the most concentrated effort to move. Dead silence filled the chasm, accompanied by the faint and echoing sobs of a certain young boy. Nagisa Kaworu could not see. Floating in an odd substance, she stood up to find herself knee deep in this liquid. She began to run toward the source of the noise, but there was no direction. Eventually, she began to be slowed down by the sloshing thick liquid at her calves. Kaworu desperately maneuvered her head to look for the next step but there was nowhere to go. She was in nothingness. Falling to her knees, the blood sea splashed around her. Kaworu finally recognized the substance, and with wide eyes recalled how the dss choker had blown her head off. She felt for her head. It was not there. A high pitched scream resounded in the abyss.

Kaworu woke up with a gasp and in cold sweat in her bed. She turned to the alarm clock on her bedside table and found it was only three AM. Her body shivered, then jerked, and she convulsed, throwing up on her white sheets. Kaworu slowly rose and wiped her sweaty brow and mouth. She walked to the bathroom and splashed her face with cold water. Stripping herself of her garments, she sat in the bathtub and let it fill up. Reclining her head backwards, she looked upwards and whispered,

"Shinji-kun"

It was another slow day at school for Ikari Shinji. The hours of the day crawled by and nothing happened. Finally, it was lunch. Luckily for Shinji, she had a study hall after lunch and could maximize her free time. Not that time was enjoyable to spend; it was simply less annoying to do nothing than sit in class.

Shinji grabbed her bento and slipped out of the chatter-filled classroom. Her body felt heavy to move and her head pounded with an ache. She made her way to the roof, and, opening the door ever so quietly, tip toed to the area she spent every lunch period sitting in. Normally she wouldn't be this quiet, but it had come to her attention lately that there was another person in the high school who took refuge at the roof during lunch hour. Shinji didn't know her, but she had the distinct feeling of not wanting to be caught. After all, she came to the roof to be alone and to meet silence.

But the girl intrigued her and she couldn't help sometimes staring at her from behind a corner. Actually, of late, Shinji had made this into a daily habit, almost something to look forward to. It perplexed her that she took interest in another person, but that silver hair and porcelain skin was an oddity Shinji wanted an infinity to gaze upon. Steadily edging against the wall, Shinji looked past the corner to see the girl sitting in the bright daylight, hands propped up behind her. She never did eat; she often she would look into the sky. Shinji was unknowingly mesmerized by her aura. A lilting smile spread on the girl's lips and Shinji took notice.

"Are you finally going to come out today?" inquired the musical voice.

Shinji's body shot up and stiffened. Her eyes bulged and her face burned a deep crimson. She opened her mouth to say something, to offer an explanation, to say that she simply was exploring the school, but nothing came out. Seconds went by and Shinji internally cursed at herself.

"Come on, I don't bite" she continued. Her face turned in Shinji's direction, and that smile was accompanied by a pair of bright ruby eyes.

Shinji's dry mouth opened stupidly as she took in the sight of the girl's face for the first time. Her mind was generating thousands of thoughts but the only thing that ended up happening was Shinji moving her body in the direction of the girl. The girl smiled warmly at her and Shinji's feet finally stopped before her. _No I'm too close, _Shinji thought.

The girl's eyes remained anchored on Shinji. Gesturing her graceful hand outwards, she said "And you are?"

Shinji's mind was blank. Her face was flushed, her heart was about to fall out of her chest, and she was gripping her lunch box so hard it might've broken. She looked away in shame, and, shyly scratching at her cheek, she croaked, "Ikari. Shinji Ikari."

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Ikari-san. I'm Nagisa Kaworu, but you may call me 'Kaworu-kun.'"

Shinji stared back stupidly. Suddenly she came to her senses. "Kun?" she questioned.

"Yes" Kaworu chimed.

"Well then…." Shinji began, "I guess…. I suppose…If you want me to…ummmm….."

"Hmmm?"

"You- You can call me Shinji-kun!" she finally blurted, shutting her eyes tightly.

Kaworu continued smiling her knowing expression and extended her hand to Shinji, who was still standing up. Finally opening her eyes, Shinji jerked her hand back at Kaworu. But instead of shaking it, or getting her to sit down, Kaworu gingerly took Shinji's hand and pressed her lips against its surface.

Shinji freaked out. Her breath stopped, her eyes bugged out, that annoying blush found itself strongly on her face again, but she did not remove her hand.

"I look forward to knowing you" Kaworu chirped, eyes aimed at Shinji's.

"Y-y-yeah" Shinji managed to get out. Taking her hand back awkwardly she held her hand as if it had been burned. She continued to stand there, and looked away, casting her eyes downwards. Minutes passed.

"Why don't you take a seat, Shinji-kun?"

Shinji shivered. The way Kaworu said her name, so knowingly, so softly, so gently; it was as if she was cradling her with a word. Shinji shook the thought away and timidly sat down, folding her hands in her lap and not maintaining eye contact.

"Why don't you tell me about yourself, Shinji-kun?"

Everything in Shinji's body told her to shut up but it was as if she couldn't resist the lull of the other girl's voice.

Bashfully, Shinji opened her mouth and replied "I'm sure you don't want to hear about me. I'm rather boring."

An odd look flashed in Kaworu's eyes for a mid second. _How many times has it been, and Shinji-kun always dislikes herself_.

"Nonsense" Kaworu retorted cheerfully. "I want to learn all about you. Everything and anything you can think of"

"Um…" Shinji began, still doubtful.

Placing her hand over Shinji's, Kaworu leaned in her direction and sweetly said while batting her long, white eyelashes, "It's all I'll ever ask of you."

Shinji did not remove her hand. "Um, uh, okay, just a bit" she said quietly. "What do you want to know?"

"Ah, I see the question is too broad for you. Let's start with something simpler. How about you tell me why you come to the roof every day for lunch?"

Shinji flushed once again. _She knows_. "Well" Shinji began, "I, I uh don't, I don't get along very well with others. I'd rather sit by myself. The roof is always quiet, and there's no one here."

"But you seem to get along with me?" Kaworu questioned.

"Well, um, I- I don't know. I- I'm sorry Kaworu-kun, it's rather hard for me to talk about myself."

"You finally said my name" Kaworu breathed. But just as Shinji had caught the words, Kaworu continued talking in a different tone. "You know, Shinji-kun, if you're not ready to talk about yourself, we could always do something else. Why don't we look at the clouds? That should be calming enough."

Shinji nodded. "Okay"

The two of them repositioned their bodied so that they were lying down. Kaworu put her arms behind her head, and Shinji took notice of the absence of Kaworu's hand. It made her feel a little lonely.

"Look at that cloud, Shinji-kun!" Kaworu exclaimed excitedly. "What does it look like to you?"

"Hmm, I think I like that cloud better. It looks like an angel"

Kaworu paused before speaking again. "Do you like angels, Shinji-kun?"

"Um, well this is rather silly, but when I was much much younger, and my mother was still alive, she used to tell me a story about a group of angels. One of the angels was different from the rest of them, though. It wanted to be free, to go to Earth. So God gave the angel a pair of white wings so that it could fly down to Earth. After all, that angel was the angel of free will. That was why Angels have wings. I can't remember the name of the angel, though."

Kaworu looked at Shinji with longing eyes but Shinji was gazing at the sky.

"Tabris" Kaworu whispered.

"Eh?"

"The angel of free will. It's name was Tabris."

"Oh that's right, Kaworu-kun"

"Do you know why Tabris wanted to go down to Earth, Shinji-kun?"

Shinji paused and looked back at Kaworu, who was still looking at her. She felt like Kaworu's smile was hiding something. "I used to ask that question to my mother all the time, but she always responded with that same question."

"Hmm. How odd."

"Yeah" Shinji returned her gaze to the sky.

The school bell rang obnoxiously. Shinji sat up. "Oh, I've got to go to class"

She rose and started walking towards the door. With her hand on the handle, she realized that Kaworu wasn't following her. "Aren't you coming to class, too, Kaworu-kun?"

Kaworu turned around to look at Shinji. "I'll see you tomorrow, Ikari Shinji-kun" she said with that curious, warm smile.

"Okay..um.. bye, Kaworu-kun" she said, dashing out the door.

As Shinji was walking to class, she grasped the hand that Kaworu had kissed and held. It suddenly came to her thoughts that she had never enjoyed anyone's touch before, and she was puzzled why Kaworu's didn't. But then again, nobody had ever touched her like that before.


	2. Chapter 2

Shinji breathed heavily as she closed the roof door behind her. She drooped over to the gate and slowly sat down, her back sliding her downwards. It was enough to just be at school but it never made it any easier that the girls of her class somehow always found a problem with her. Shinji tried to keep to herself. She sat in the back of classes; she looked out the window; she listened to her sdat player; occasionally she would bump into someone in the hallways and apologize. Her school life was plain and lonely. The introduction of Kaworu Nagisa added a new color, though – something to look forward to in the midst of her miserable high school days.

Today the girls had cornered her in the classroom after the teacher had left and were picking out every little thing wrong with her. Her uniform was wrinkly, her hair was messy, she wasn't wearing makeup – who did she think she was. As the teacher's assistant walked in, Shinji took advantage of the girls' distraction to dip from beneath them and dash out the door. Never mind missing classes; Shinji didn't care. She ran for the only place she knew safety, and that was the rooftop. Tears welling up in her eyes as she sat down on the pavement, she curled her knees to herself and slid into sleep.

Kaworu Nagisa was humming to herself in delight as she walked to the roof – another day spent with Shinji-kun. It had been a few weeks of fun already and Kaworu wanted to take their friendship a bit further. She would invite Shinji to her apartment today. Kaworu took a moment to reminisce their time spent so far. Eating lunch every day on the roof together, they almost always shared meals, whether it be Shinji's bento or Shinji making a bento especially for her. Kaworu was always flattered and delighted when Shinji made her a lunch; she felt undeserving but she couldn't help but rejoice at the sweet gift from her love. They didn't just each lunch, though. Much talking was involved. Shinji shared parts of herself she had never vocalized before – her father's coldness and never being home, her personal loneliness and feelings of unworthiness, her wishes. Kaworu never said things outwardly personal but she spoke of hope and moving on and not dwelling on the past. She took much time to look at Shinji. Even as Shinji blushed and hid her face in embarrassment, Kaworu would gently unwrap Shinji's fingers from her face and smile at the girl. Shinji had never felt to secure and comfortable with another person before.

So as Kaworu entered the domain of the roof, she was surprised to find the other girl curled up and asleep against the fencing. Kaworu silently approached Shinji and knelt beside her. She took a leave out of her mussed up hair and ran a hand down her face. Kaworu took note of the tiny droplets formed at the edge of Shinji's eyes, and how she clutched her body to herself, and realized that Shinji must have been bothered by those girls again, and so took refuge on the roof. With her hand still on Shinji's face, a cold look flashed on Kaworu's face. _I must protect her_ she thought.

Kaworu continued to gently stroke Shinji's face, she was overwhelmed with her emotions for Shinji, as Shinji's lids fluttered open.

"Ka-kaworu-kun?" asked the girl.

"Yes it's me, Shinji-kun" she responded sweetly.

As Shinji was adjusting to being awake and her eyes were still opening and closing, Kaworu leaned closer and embraced the girl tightly. Normally Shinji would refuse affection and get flustered, but today she felt it was okay and leaned in to the warm hug, closing her eyes.

"Were you waiting for me, Shinji-kun?" Kaworu inquired, still holding her.

"Yeah" Shinji mumbled sleepily "the girls….they were bothering me again so I went here and waited for you."

"Ah, I'm sorry, Shinji-kun, I should've come earlier."

Shinji smiled and shook her head "No it's fine Kaworu-kun. Just having you here with me is enough."

The droplets spilled down her face. Kaworu held Shinji more tightly.

"It must have been scary"

Shinji wrapped her arms around Kaworu and nodded into her shoulder.

Kaworu tenderly stroked Shinji's hair. "I'm sorry you had to go through that, Shinji-kun. Next time, I'll protect you"

Shinji pushed her head out and looked up at Kaworu. "But how?"

"That's for me to think about, not you" Kaworu replied, smiling.

But the question beckoned a real reply in Kaworu's mind. Her thoughts instantly ran back in time to the moments when she couldn't protect Shinji. She felt ashamed at her failures. Suddenly, Kaworu recalled the first time they met, when they were in the water and Kaworu had let Shinji fall…

Kaworu released Shinji from her embrace and sat beside her. She did not feel she had the right to touch Shinji. She kept this thought at the back of her mind, but she often was so shameless and could not help herself.

Shinji felt a little disappointed that the hug had ended so soon. More and more often, she felt herself craving the touch and presence of her silver haired friend.

Kaworu leaned her back against the fence and stretched her legs out. She turned to look at Shinji and noticed the girl was still hugging her knees too herself. So often, she sat that way. It seemed like an extension of her loneliness.

"What did you bring to eat today, Shinji-kun?"

"Ahhh, I forgot my bento in the classroom! Damn it"

"It's okay, Shinji-kun, we can share this sandwich that I bought"

"Ah, okay"

Kaworu quickly unwrapped her bread and took a few bites out of it. Casually, she held out the sandwich to Shinji, who looked away and took it. Shinji looked down at the bite marks and realized she would be placing her mouth exactly where Kaworu had.

"Is there something wrong with the bread?"

"Ah, no! N-nothing!" Shinji stammered, blushing hard. She had taken too much time to inspect the sandwich. Shinji closed her eyes and took a few bites. Kaworu watched her face and her mouth move as she chewed the food.

"I'm not too hungry, Kaworu-kun. You can have the rest" Shinji said while handing the bread back to Kaworu.

Kaworu frowned and took the sandwich back. She ripped it into pieces and slowly ate them.

"So, Shinji-kun, how are you otherwise?"

"Ah, I'm okay"

Shinji sighed and stared at the sky. Kaworu realized she was only half-attentive.

"Got any plans for the long weekend?"

"Nah"

"Well then, would you like to come over to my place?"

Shinji jerked her head towards Kaworu with widened eyes. "Y-your place?"

"Yeah. I was thinking you could stay overnight and we would have a lot fun. There's much space at my apartment and no one else around"

Shinji looked downwards and pondered. How badly she wanted to go. And she didn't want to let down Kaworu-kun either….So why did she hesitate…

"Shinji-kun? Was that a yes or no?" Kaworu urged.

"Ah, it was a yes!" Shinji stammered. Immediately she looked away, though.

Kaworu could tell that her thoughts were somewhere else and that her mind was occupied. She felt a little jealous that she wasn't the center of the girl's attention. A few minutes passed in silence as Kaworu finished her lunch. Why was Shinji being so…..it was like it wasn't Kaworu but somebody else. Kaworu took pride in that she saw a side of Shinji that nobody else did. But today Shinji was just as closed off and quiet as she was to anyone else. Clearly, _somebody_ was on her mind. Kaworu was a little annoyed. Sitting cross legged, she dug an elbow into her thigh and leaned her face into her hand, facing Shinji. She didn't know what to say, but she wanted to break the silence.

"Ka-Kaworu-kun?"

Shinji was still looking away. She was hiding a furious blush that creeped down her neck.

"Hmmm?"

"Would you…would you hold me again like you did before?"

Kaworu's eyes widened. Could it be that Shinji was thinking of her the entire time? With pleasure, she accepted Shinji's offer. She was always itching to touch the girl.

"Of course, Shinji-kun. Anything for you" Kaworu cooed.

Shinji continued to blush and sit in silence. Suddenly Kaworu grabbed her wrists and guided her to sit on her lap. Soon Shinji was located in the center of Kaworu's legs, head leaning against Kaworu's chest, and Kaworu's arms around her. She didn't dare look Kaworu in the eye. What was she thinking? Was she insane, asking her friend for this ever so embarrassing favor?!

But Kaworu didn't seem to mind. She held Shinji closely, ran her fingers through Shinji's hair, and hummed a comforting tune. Kaworu was in bliss.

"Shinji-kun, you really should relax"

And with that, just like a command, Shinji's body slackened against Kaworu's. She breathed deeply and tried to let herself enjoy the moment. A peaceful and wonderful quiet was shared between them. They did not need to talk to be in another's thoughts. Shinji got over her initial embarrassment. She wanted to be in the other girl's embrace so badly. It seemed like Kaworu was always with her, always on her mind. Shinji was overwhelmed at the prospect of going to Kaworu's house. What would happen…._No_. Shinji mentally slapped herself. It wasn't like that between them… But wait…It wasn't like what?

Just what was the nature of their relationship? As Shinji's head rested on Kaworu's soft chest, she felt more conflicted than ever. Kaworu held her and Shinji felt the warmth radiating between their two bodies. Everywhere they touched seemed alit with energy. It was wonderful. But just what was it?

Shinji pushed her head upwards so that she could see Kaworu's face. She stared dreamily at the girl's lips, so pink and soft looking, so kissable….

Shinji mentally slapped herself yet once again. _Those lips are not for kissing_ she thought, _and definitely not for kissing me_. Shinji sighed and leaned into Kaworu. She had never felt this way about someone before. Her heart raced when she was near her, she was always in her thoughts, she wanted to be with her all the time, she seemed eternally beautiful. Just what was this feeling that she held towards Kaworu? But no matter what the answer, it's like she had any chance. It had to be a mistake that the wonderful Kaworu befriended Shinji so eagerly. Kaworu was the loveliest thing to ever happen in Shinji's life. Nobody had ever wanted to be her friend before…Shinji's eyes drooped and her mind grew cold and dark and lonely, even while Kaworu held her. It wasn't supposed to be like this. It would never be like Shinji wanted. The girl would never be hers. Shinji sat up and pushed herself away from Kaworu, facing her now. Kaworu looked surprised and sad and Shinji hated herself for putting that expression on Kaworu's face.

"I'm sorry, Kaworu-kun, I-" Shinji began.

"Shinji-kun….why are you crying? Did I do something to upset you?"

Surprised, Shinji touched her face. The tears were the evidence. Shinji blushed. How she hated herself.

"No Kaworu-kun, you didn't do anything…It's me, I'm just an idiot and my thoughts and it wasn't supposed to be this way and I'm sorry for everything and I don't even know why you would want to spent time with me-"

"Shinji-kun. We're friends. I care about you."

But the only thing that echoed in Shinji's mind was 'friend.'

"I'm, I'm so sorry Kaworu-kun" Shinji cried between heavy sobs.

"But you haven't done anything." Kaworu replied. She took the girl's wrists and held them so reveal Shinji's crying face. "I always do seem to make you cry." She held Shinji's face closer. "But this time I will make you smile, like you should." Kaworu took Shinji's face closer in her hands and gingerly kissed away Shinji's tears. "Ne, we'll have lots of fun this weekend, right?" Shinji nodded, hiccupping. "So dry your eyes, darling, only happy times await you."


	3. Chapter 3

_notes: Sorry for the long wait! I'm kind of experimenting with this story and I would appreciate any form of feedback_

_no smut in this chapter but there is masturbation...is there a warning for that?_

* * *

11pm

Shinji cried out as her fingers pressed desperately into her sex. Her legs, spread apart, trembled, and her face wore knotted brows and eyes pressed deeply closed. Her small mouth was open just that little bit, and every time she hit _that_ spot it would open to release a trail of moans. She leaned her head back and continued to rub her clit frantically. The tightness within her core was leaking as she filled herself up with pleasure, and she breathed hard. Her hips thoughtlessly thrusted upwards into her fingers and she continued to press, hard, building herself up. A bead of sweet trailed down her face; she continued in reckless concentration. She imagined being thrusted into hard and fast and _ahh_…_Kaworu…._

"Ahhhhhhh" Shinji cried loudly as she came, pleasure overriding her, continuing to rub herself. _Kaworu Kaworu Kaworu Kaworu_. Yes, she wanted to be touched in just that way, ahh…_yes_. She lay there in the aftermath of her orgasm with hair matted against her skin, limbs left of any will, and breathing heavily.

Within a few moments, Shinji had rolled onto her stomach and positioned her fingers against herself. She needed more.

Why wait?

* * *

11pm

Kaworu lay in her marble bathtub, toes fiddling with the faucets. She continually fixed her gaze upwards, as if she stared hard enough, something would manifest out of the thin air.

The warm water was still and enveloped Kaworu's elegant body gently. It left a soft, light feeling on her skin. The dim light cast shadows upon the room and was a companion to the occasional sigh that echoed through the marble area.

* * *

The next day, 8am

Shinji's eyes slowly flickered open, heavy with sleep. She groaned and dug her face into her pillow. She always hated waking up. It meant another day to live. Shinji lay stiffly in her bed as the sunlight drifted past her slightly parted curtains. As she blankly looked out, she recalled that today she was going to visit Kaworu's apartment and sleep over. Her lids half closed. For some reason it didn't make her happy. Kaworu was too good to be true….

* * *

11:30 am, that day

Shinji lifted her arm apprehensively to leave a knock on the door of Kaworu's apartment. She had read the numbers countless times and confirmed them with the ones in the text from the girl. No mistaking it, this was Kaworu's apartment.

Shinji knocked and waited. She stood nervously, shifting her feet and looking down, head absorbed in thought. A slight blush found itself on her face as she recalled who she thought of when she touched herself last night. _No. It's not like that for Kaworu-kun. I have to stop…_

The door flashed open, interrupting Shinji's thoughts. She let out a yelp as her eyes met Kaworu, then flushed and apologized.

"No need to apologize, Shinji-kun. I'm sorry; I didn't mean to scare you. Why don't you come inside?"

Shinji nodded and entered, following Kaworu's lead.

Kaworu's apartment was grande, like the types of things one saw in a home décor magazine. Every surface was white, polished, and clean. White carpets, white bedding, white furniture, white drapes. The place was spotless, to the extent that it was impossible to discern whether someone lived in it or not. Shinji's mouth flew agape and she stood still and took in the lovely white haven. Kaworu smiled at Shinji's reaction.

"I take it that you like it?"

"Oh, Kaworu-kun, it's so beautiful…I didn't even know that a house was possible of looking this nice…"

"Why don't you take a seat in my bedroom, Shinji-kun? I'll get you a drink." And with that, Kaworu slipped away to the kitchen before Shinji could resist. Shinji timidly found her way to the bedroom. It was the heart of the place. Shinji inhaled deeply as she realized this was where Kaworu probably spent most of her time. Even if it didn't look like it, it smelled so. Shinji saw the pristine vanity, the drapery and wide windows, the plush chair, and the luscious canopy bed that sat beside the window. She almost felt embarrassed to sit on something so beautiful. She took a seat on the vast white cushion and gently tucked her skirt underneath her legs, swinging them back and forth as she waited for Kaworu. Kaworu didn't take long.

"I brought you some of this canned beverage I have. I apologize; I don't have much food in my house."

"It's okay" Shinji replied cheerfully. She took the drink and nervously sipped on it. Kaworu set the tray down and plopped down on her bed, somehow still seeming graceful. Shinji's breath stopped as she looked at the girl splayed out on the bed before her. Her pale, pearl-like skin, her silver luminescent hair, her jarring scarlet eyes – Kaworu was simply spectacular. Shinji meant to sigh but instead she blushed and a hiccup came from her mouth. How long had she been staring at Kaworu? Shinji turned away and mumbled something of an apology. Kaworu pretended not to hear it. She sat up and leaned into Shinji.

"Hmmm?"

"Ah, oh, um, I was just apologizing for staring…."

Kaworu responded in a quiet voice.

"It's no worry, Shinji-kun. You can look at me for as long as you want"

Shinji flushed harder, her head still turned away.

"In fact, Shinji-kun, if you don't mind….I-I'd like to get a chance to look at you"

Shinji was alarmed. "M-me? Why would you want to look at me?"

"Shinji-kun, please look at me"

Shinji could only comply to Kaworu's words.

"There now. Shinji-kun… you have no idea how lovely you are"

Shinji looked down. She was scarlet. Shyly, she daringly flashed her eyes at Kaworu once more, who was still looking at her. Kaworu lifted her hand and brushed the back of it against the apples of Shinji's cheeks.

"When you blush you are simply stunning.

I could look at you for any amount of time."

Shinji's heart accepted the praise greedily, even if she might not believe it. Kaworu somehow thought she was beautiful, so who cared? This was probably a dream or something. Shinji stayed transfixed on the girl who shamelessly examined her face. Kaworu was very still and held her breath as her eyes hungrily ate up every look she could see Shinji give.

"Shinji-kun, I'm very glad to you came today"

Shinji nodded. She was trembling. Kaworu's words were unbelievably soothing, but somehow they also hurt.

Kaworu took note of the girl's shaking. She rested her hand on Shinji's.

"I'm sorry if I upset you, Shinji-kun. Please don't be upset"

"No- I- I'm not upset…I-I just don't know how to react.

"I'm not upset" she reaffirmed, mostly for herself.

Kaworu gave one of her spectacular smiles and everything was okay. "I'm glad to hear that, Shinji-kun."

A thought popped into Kaworu's head.

"Say, Shinji-kun…would it be alright if I laid my head down in your lap?"

Shinji turned a million shades of vermillion and nodded.

Kaworu gently laid her head down on Shinji's lap, so that her head was nestled between Shinji's thighs and their emanating warmth. Shinji sighed. Kaworu closed her eyes and smiled beautifully, appearing at ease. She opened her eyes to look up and see Shinji's eyes glued to her….but wait…they weren't exactly looking at her – Shinji was looking at Kaworu's hair. Kaworu continued to wear that oh-so-wonderful smile.

"Shinji-kun, if you want to, you are free to touch it – my hair that is"

Shinji shifted nervously and felt the weight of Kaworu's head upon her legs. She was so busy being entranced by the moment that she forgot she was staring at Kaworu's long luscious locks. How lovely they were. How Shinji would love to touch them.

It was so nice and easy to be with Kaworu. She managed to know what she was thinking without Shinji having to say anything. Shinji swallowed hard and ran a tentative hand through Kaworu's silver hair. A faint pink dusted Kaworu's pale cheeks and she sighed as Shinji touched her. She closed her eyes and looked absolutely content. Shinji was eager to keep the girl looking so happy…not to mention how nice it was to touch her hair. Shinji continued to tenderly run her finger through Kaworu's hair, petting and playing with the lovely locks. Neither of them took note of the time that passed between them; all that mattered was the two of them, right there and now. They were the center of each other's universes and they didn't even know.

Oddly enough, it was Shinji to break the heavenly silence.

"Kaworu-kun….how come you never do anything to your hair…it's so wonderful and long and I'm sure it would look even nicer…"

Kaworu yawned and stretched like a sleepy cat, giving Shinji a warm smile. "You think so Shinji-kun? What should I do to my hair?"

"Aahhh…hmm. Well I don't have long hair myself and I don't know much about these things, but maybe you could braid it? When I was younger, my mother used to braid my hair."

"That sounds nice, Shinji-kun"

"Kaworu-kun, did anyone ever braid your hair for you when you were younger?"

"Hmm. I'm afraid not."

There was a pause. Once again Shinji was left at a corner pertaining to Kaworu's whereabouts. Shinji wondered what type of upbringing the girl had; she had mentioned before that she had no parents. Shinji wanted to be strong for Kaworu. She was going to take a risk.

"Well then, Kaworu-kun, can I braid your hair?"

Shinji fixed her eyes on the ever-so-splendid Kaworu and was surprised to find her blushing, hard.

"Um, that would be lovely, Shinji-kun."

This time it was Shinji to smile. Finally there was something that she could do for the one who did so much for her.

"Okay!" Shinji began. "I'll have you sit up then. Do you have any hair ties and a brush?"

"Yes – you can find some in the left drawer of the vanity."

Shinji waited for Kaworu to sit up and then she pranced over to the white table and found herself two hair ties and a hairbrush. She returned to the bed and sat behind Kaworu.

"Okay, I'm going to brush your hair now. Tell me if it hurts, okay?"

"Yes, Shinji-kun"

Kaworu nearly held her breathe as the fingers of her beloved gently parted her hair and brushed the locks. It was an incredibly soothing sensation, all the more wonderful because of the one behind the action. A comfortable silence was exchanged between them. Kaworu sat and was filled with love for Shinji, so much that her heart ached. How badly she wished to turn around and embrace the girl, to whisper _I love you's_ to her, to touch her…..But she held it in, like she was accustomed to. There might be no Evas or Angels in this world, but that didn't mean Shinji loved her back….

Shinji's small hands began to braid Kaworu's hair. She worked slowly, weaving the silver strands together and reveling in how good they felt to touch. When she was done, she was about to vocalize this when she stopped herself. She took in Kaworu's back; her shoulders were slumped and she was turned in on herself. Shinji often recognized the posture in her own body, but with Kaworu? Shinji was overwhelmed with the day. She was overwhelmed with thinking of Kaworu every second, of coming to her house, of sitting on her bed with her, of having Kaworu's head in her lap, of touching her so closely, of playing with her hair. She could think of nothing else of how strongly she felt for the girl, even if she couldn't recognize exactly what she was feeling yet. Shinji only wanted Kaworu to feel nice. From the bottom of her heart, she wanted Kaworu to be happy. Kaworu was kind and gentle and warm, but at the same time she seemed distant and lonely. It seemed like the only reason she knew the right words to say was because she _understood _those feelings, she had experienced them. Shinji scooted closer to Kaworu and wrapped her arms around Kaworu's torso, resting her head in the crook of Kaworu's neck. She didn't know exactly what to say.

"K-kaworu-kun, I-I don't want you to be sad. Your smiles should come from the bottom of your heart, not just to cover up what you're feeling. Um…I…I….I really appreciate you Kaworu-kun, and I can't imagine my life without you. Umm—"

She was interrupted by Kaworu turning around and hugging her so fiercely that she fell down on the bed. Kaworu hugged Shinji tightly to herself and after a few moments Shinji decided that her awkward arms should wrap around Kaworu's back. They stayed like that for a few minutes, until when Kaworu lifted herself up just slightly so that she could look Shinji in the face. There were tears in the corner of her eyes and she wore a broken but ethereal smile.

"Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you" she whispered.

Shinji looked back at Kaworu and smiled. She took her shaking hands and brushed the tears away from Kaworu's eyes. This action only prompted Kaworu to tear up more and Shinji giggled. Kaworu laughed back and soon they were a laughing, giddy, teary mess upon Kaworu's bed, giggling until they were way out of breathe. Kaworu collapsed on top of Shinji and once Shinji had gotten out the last of her laughs, she blushed furiously. After a few moments Kaworu took notice that she was on top of Shinji, and that it was probably improper to do so. She began to sit up when Shinji pulled her back down and smiled.

"Just a few more minutes," she mumbled shyly.

"Mmmm" Kaworu hummed in response.


	4. UpdateQuestions

Hey guys so I know it's been awhile and I apologize for lack of updates but I was wondering if anyone actually wanted me to continue? Like if anyone was particularly invested in the story? I don't know...I've never done something multichapter before and I need some kinda motivation. This was supposed to be a fairly long fic, even after they get together as a couple it would go on. I dunno. Who's up for it?


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